Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My balls are so social today.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
