If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
