His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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