Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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