I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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