We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So apparently I’m into choking now
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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