I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
