and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
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He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
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MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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