I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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