News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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