I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
