tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
