Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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