at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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