and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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