he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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