We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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