you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
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I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
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That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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