You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
