proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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