Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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