I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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