Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
