He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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