Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
