found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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