I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
