So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
