so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
