She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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