I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
