I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize