i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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