Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Houston, we have a blender
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
