mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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