i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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