he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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