HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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