he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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