You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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