So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
