Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
