Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
