he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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