i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
