who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
