I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
