good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
