Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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