I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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