I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
