Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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