I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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