I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
