im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
